literature

there's sorta a lot missing

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ScarletNalick's avatar
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Literature Text

in elementary school
i had chased a boy around the
playground because i had
liked him.

in actually, i didn't.
i only made a fool of myself,
made it seem like i crushed
on him since my mom
had said mean things about
our neighbors at the time.

they were both women and
lived together.
my mom called them lesbians.
and though i had no idea what
that word meant, i never
thought they were bad people.

across the street from
our house lived a girl named sam.
i was friends with her and
we played soccer together.
i stinked at it, but it was fun
just hanging out with her.

i thought she was so nice
and i got this warm feeling
when we talked.
familiar but not the same
as when i was with other girls'.

she was around two or three
years older than me.
which seemed a big deal then.

but i never told her.
i was scared that she would be
weirded out like my mom was
with our neighbors.
and i didn't want to lose her
as a friend.

i lost her anyway once my
parents' divorced.

later when i was twelve
i made another friend whose
name i won't mention.
i did not have feelings for her
like i did for sam but
well
to cut this short,
her father had molested me
on the living room couch
and once in her bedroom
the lot of times i slept over there.

i stopped being her friend
after she didn't believe me.

i don't have the train of thought that
"all men want is sex" because he
touched me.
i know that's not right or true.

but any indication of sexual feelings
towards a man did vanish after.
though i still find some guys' to
be attractive.
but that's all.

in highschool i met a girl who
lived not far from where me and
my mom and step-dad were.
i had missed the first day
so i ended up seeing her the second.

i met her through her older brother
who i had became friends with beforehand.
at first we didn't talk at all
since on the bus she'd sit with
him.

on a day he was absent i asked her
if she wanted to sit with me.
we started talking then.

then we just spent some days walking to
each others' houses, simple things
like that.
we'd walk to the park together and
just talk and mess around on the
swingset or behind it on the grass.

and i felt that same warmness i had with sam.
still, i didn't say anything.

she was fourteen and i was sixteen
when i had asked her if she's been
kissed before.
i forgot her response but she
hadn't been.

i asked her if it was okay that
i kissed her.
i recall feeling nervous and being hesitant when i did.
i had to a second time since the first
felt weird. i guess i didn't do it right.

we never said that we were going out or anything like that.
the only person that knew was her brother, i think.

but all i know is that i had messed it up
when one of my friends (who didn't live where i was)
suddenly told me that she'd liked me.
and at the time i-
i'm not sure what happened.
i guess since i didn't expect it,
i had accepted and said thar i liked her too.

then i stopped talking with the one
girl i'd kissed for a few weeks.
but we were still friends.
i still don't get why she was still my
friend after a shitty thing like that.
after i broke her heart.

years later when i was visiting her and
staying there after she had moved away,
what started out as a joke ended up with the two of us attempting sexual acts.

strangely enough, i didn't feel guilt
for this.

mostly since with the other girl,
we only texted and that's about all.
there was never any physical contact.
even when i met her the first time to
close the distance, we hardly spoke
and i couldn't even hug her.

i had fallen for her but at the same
time, i wasn't and was just stringed
along by my own mistake.
because expressing feelings straight
through texting
can't last long.
least to me.

much later during another time in
visiting the girl i had been intimate with,
i got a text from the other girl.
saying how she had told her family
and grandparents' about me.
they didn't accept it at all and wanted us to split up.

and i recall crying, trying not to
wake her up since we share a bed when i'm there, but i did and i cried
in her arms.
my heart was shattered then like i
had done to her.
but then at the same time, i felt relieved.
as... as wrong as that may sound.

but my heart breaking as her's did,
it was what i deserved.

now i don't talk much to the girl i had
a distance relationship with.
only because life got in the way.
we're still friends now.

as for the one i met at the bus stop
during highschool,
we're still friends and we talk pretty
much every day.

but since sam and her i haven't had that sort of warm feeling around a girl.
just think them to be nice and beautiful.
and i also learned to never make that same stupid mistake again,
of leaving for someone else.
but they didn't seen important and it'd only make this longer. And since my memory sucks and I wouldn't want to say anything that might of not happened the way it did.
You get what I mean, I hope.

Um, this is sorta for
ladyoffrost.deviantart.com/jou…

But it's probably choppy and boring to read.
And might be confusing since I didn't mention the two girls' names.

Other lovely writings related to this theme:
DynamiteHearts -
dynamitehearts.deviantart.com/…
AnotherNamelessOne - anothernamelessone.deviantart.…

The thing about my ex-best friend's dad, scarletnalick.deviantart.com/a…

Also, I didn't mention your name for obvious reasons besides the thought of making you feel uncomfortable.
And if you'd like me to remove this if it does, then I will. Just note me then.
You know who you are.
© 2015 - 2024 ScarletNalick
Comments8
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hopeburnsblue's avatar
Very honest and raw. :hug: